Mom of 8 ‘Amazingly Taut’, Except for Vagina

An energetic mother of eight is a local legend at her fitness club for her “amazingly taut” body, but she has revealed exclusively to this reporter that her vagina is not included in this characterization.
“Oh no no, are you kidding? God has allowed me to birth 8 beautiful babies the way He intended! I have to wear a cup to keep that thing from flip-flapping around at the gym!” Laurie Bishop is well-known in her community for being pregnant for much of the last 14 years, during which she has maintained her lithe body until the very end of the last trimester. She is also known as an active member of the Junior League, a resident of the exclusive Westgate community, and an avid churchgoer who abstains from alcohol.
“We’ve been so blessed, so blessed. God sent Sofia, Fernando and Paco, Sylvia, and Oksana to us,” Bishop said, referring to the household staff. “I could never manage Team Bishop without them!” Does her husband mind the slackness of her vagina? “My husband? You mean that useless piece of skin attached to my credit card? Ha Ha Ha! No I shouldn’t say that. Bill is the leader of our family and our relationship comes before everything including the kids like the Bible says it should blah blah blah. I just let him do his business and it may take a little longer but hey I can always go over the kids’ day plans in my head so it’s no big deal at all really! An hour and he’s done! And then, if God thinks it’s right, we get another precious baby.”
Bishop could afford vaginal reconstructive surgery, and indeed has received some enhancements to her face and breast. But she has no interest in vaginoplasty because she views her gaping birth canal as her “gift to God.”
While at the pharmacy, Bishop said, “This is what God put me on Earth for. Oh yes, I’m picking up for Bishop? Yes Klonopin. No, I don’t have any questions, thanks. He loves my vagina for what it’s done, what it could do. Would I like the flapping and the occasional whistle to stop? Of course I would. I wouldn't be human if I didn't. But other than that, I wouldn’t change a thing.”

Whore Lobster Defends Lifestyle

A lobster notorious for popping out eggs like she doesn’t have a care in the world irately defended her lifestyle to her captor as she was lifted aboard a lobster boat in Bailey’s Island Maine today.
As soon as Rizzo, as she is known among the lobstermen, became visible through the traps, she began wagging a claw at the stern man, Ellsworth “Bugger” Brockton, yelling, “don’t you dare look at me like that!”
Brockton has picked up Rizzo many times before, and consistently makes crude remarks about Rizzo’s breeding prowess, before returning her to the water in hopes she will continue her bountiful lobster egg production. The comments include: “this one, yeah, she can’t keep her claws together, right?” and “Rizzo likes it rough!” and “Rizzo is one skanked-out ho!” Before Brockton could make a remark this time, Rizzo launched into her tirade. “You know what Bugger? You know what you hate about me? You need me. You need me out there whoring it up, and you can’t have a taste. You just go home to that chicken pot pie you call a wife and sit there while she makes you watch Project Runway and you sitting there, and you’re glazing out, and you are thinking about me.” Brockton tried to stop the invective by saying, “Rizz, I’m just ribbin’ ya, no hahm, no foul.”
Without seeming to listen, Rizzo continued her defense of free sexuality and its role in third-wave feminism. “And so what if I DO like it?! I like when a guy pisses on me and I piss back and we’re totally feeling that electricity.” Lobster urine, which is ejected from the bladders in the front of a lobster’s head, is a crucial element of the crustacean courting ritual.
“Then a guy says, you want to come in, have a drink? And I say, yeah, what the hell. And my shell gets all soft, and we fuck. Yeah. You heard me. Afraid of that word, Bugger? Then I turn tail and I’m out of there. No regrets. Isn’t that what women have been fighting for? Our freedom to fuck like any man. Well, pick me up, give me a rub, and take a good long look at me and my 10 thousand eggs. That’s some great fucking there. Not that you’d know anything about that, Buggy-boy, stuck in bed with ole warmed-over ‘pot pie.”
As Brockton prepared to throw the lobster back overboard, Rizzo said “you'll see me soon Bugger. My fat juicy tail, my ripped exoskeleton, my mandibles that could make a fine meal of you, my antennae that would tease you till you couldn’t stand it. In your dreams, asswipe.”